Constructing Space

I am just beginning this blog so please bear with me while I figure out how to construct this space.   In the mid 1990's I came across a bumper sticker that said "not all who wander are lost".  At the time I was a biology major at a small college in Pennsylvania and was contemplating moving to the Northwest US to become a fulltime volunteer at a Domestic Violence shelter.  Needless to say, this phrase struck a chord with me then that continues to resonate.  I am interested in the paths we traverse and how they converge with those around us. 

I plan to use this space to reflect on where I am now and how it relates to where I have been and where I am going and I look forward to meeting a few people along the way! 

"What is your life's purpose?"

I was asked this question recently, as part of a discussion about leadership, and discovered that I do not have an answer.  I don't mean that I think life is hopeless or without purpose, just that I am not sure how to articulate what I see as the purpose of MY life. 

If someone had asked me this question 5-10 years ago I would have said something about wanting to make the world a better place and serving those who are less fortunate.  As a matter of fact, I have written several application essays that can be summed up that way.  Now, while I still believe in using my life in service to others, I also recognize that I have a selfish side.  A side that likes to eat good food and take long naps.  A side that would rather play sports, drink wine, watch TV, read a good book, work on the yard or go to the gym than read another article or put in more hours at work. 

Is it too simplified to narrow down one's life to just one purpose.  I've always fought against giving myself (or others) labels and putting myself (or others) in boxes and so perhaps I am fighting this idea of a purpose for just that reason.  On the other hand, how does one go through life without having a good reason for waking up each day?  Is simply enjoying each moment not enough? 

At this moment in time, I do not have the answer but I'm certainly going to spend some time thinking about it.

Catching up

I have obviously been lacking in my attention to this space.  Of course, there were some questions about whether or not PNN would continue to exist, but I think that my absence was felt long before that news broke.  But here we are, it is the middle of winter and I keep getting emails about how PNN will survive.  Seems like a good time to catch up. 

The best thing that has happened to me in the last few weeks was getting to see my two nieces.  They live far away and I had not seen them since August.  The 7 year old is required to keep a journal for school and this is what she wrote on the first day I was there:

"My Aunt S came to my house last night.  She is fun to play with.  S is from NY.  S has a cool funny laugh.  She was my dad's little sister.  She still is.  S loves books and pictures.  Me and S love each other very much.  She wears glasses.  I love my Aunt S."

Just makes my heart melt.

Shamrock Shakes

Spring has finally arrived.  I can feel it in the warmth of the sun;  I can smell it in the melting snow and wet earth; and I can taste it in my mouthful of Shamrock Shake. 

I am not one to frequent fast food restaurants and I am sure that it has been years since I have gone to one by myself (except for the occasional fountain diet coke).  A few years ago, though, my colleague and I discovered that we both had fond memories of shamrock shakes and went searching our area for them.  We were surprised to find out that only a couple of the McDs around us carried them but we trekked out one that did and had a great time re-living our youth. 

For me, my first memory of the Shamrock Shake was in college.  I attended a small liberal arts school in a rural area of the Northeast US.  I did not have a car and one beautiful sunny spring day my friends and I walked a mile to our nearest McD and drank our shakes, sitting in the sun on the curb outside.  It was beautiful.  My memory is of a very carefree time, laughing and tipping our faces up to soak in the sun.

A lot has changed since then, but one thing remains the same.  I still love the first days of spring, especially after a harsh winter like this one. 

Today I met my colleague and friend for our annual shamrock shake and talked about kids and jobs and familes and friends.  I am certainly not as carefree as during my college days but thankfully just as filled with joy.

Howard Zinn

I don't have much to say today except that while I was watching the State of the Union last night (and multitasking) I discovered that Howard Zinn had passed away yesterday.  I watch the news and look at news websites all the time and am surprised that his death has not been mentioned in many places.  Of course, there was the SOTU and all the hoopla that goes along with it (pundits filling the airways) but it still seems to me that his death should be acknowledge more publicly by more people.  I did not know him but I was touched by his stories and his perspective on history, activism, peace and justice. I will miss the comfort I felt from knowing he was walking the earth.  Here is a short video on civil disobedience from a documentary based on his book, "You Can't Stay Neutral on a Moving Train" - one of my favorites.

Friendships, Intimacy and Balance

I have been thinking a lot lately about intimacy and balance in friendships.  Over the last few years I have lost two close friends.  I don't mean that they died, but that our friendship somehow was lost along the way. 

The first is someone who was my best friend in High School and with whom I had maintained a very close friendship with well into our adult lives.  We had stayed close through many challenges: living thousands of miles apart, changes in sexual orientation/identity, death of a parent, a  marriage and a divorce to name a few.  Through all of this we supported and loved one another.  We openly discussed our feelings about all of these events and provided support in ways that no one else could. Then, things changed.  We got busy.  We didn't communicate as much and then when we did we discovered that things were very unbalanced.  I felt hurt.  She felt hurt.  And then we just let it all go.  We haven't spoken in about two years but I still miss her, or at least my memory of the intimacy of our early friendship. 

The second is someone who I developed a quick, close friendship with.  On the surface we did not have a lot in common, yet we had a lot of fun together and she found that she could trust me to listen and support her.  This friendship was interesting in the sense that it was very unbalanced.  She had a lot of drama in her life and I did not.  I don't mean to use that word negatively, it is just that during the duration of our friendship my life was very stable/steady and hers was more in flux (e.g. I helped her move multiple times, talked her through multiple relationships and jobs, money issues, etc.).  Our conversations were usually about her, not that I minded, as I enjoyed listening and talking with her, and I didn't have much to say about me.  She gave a lot of love and respect and laughter.  And then it all stopped.  Again, we could blame it on our busy schedules, her new long-term relationship, her newfound stability, but that seems like a cop-out.  It's hard to say for sure what happened. 

I thought that these two friendships were really important to me but now that they have ended, and I didn't exactly fight to keep them, I can't help but wonder if they really were.  Perhaps it is the fact that in both relationships, by the time they ended, the intimacy and balance was skewed so much in their direction that when they ended I didn't notice until it was too late.